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INDIGO,kolumne
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4 septembra, 2016

Martin Horvat: Strah pred domačnostjo

Vsako jutro se po opravkih odpravim s kolesom. Prakse imam za sabo trideset minus okroglih pet let, ko sem speljal brez pomožnih koleščkov in prvič poletel čez krmilo v krvave solze. Do danes sem postal razmeroma suveren mestni kolesar, ampak kljub temu se vsako jutro za drobec sekunde, preden zajašem bicikel, nekje globoko v svojem prestrašenem možganu vprašam: »Kako že?« Vsakič si odgovorim malenkost drugače, vsakič z drugo nogo na pedalu in nikoli z isto čez okvir, vsakič znova naposled le olajšan s spoznanjem: »Eppur si muove!« Še znam! Ali raje: Spet znam! In se spomnim, da začetku ni konca. Da se nikoli zares ne naučiš. Le manj pogosto in bolj elegantno padeš.

Foto Gašper Jakovac

Foto Gašper Jakovac

Lahko pa greš tudi peš ali preprosto ostaneš doma. Ostati doma je tako … domače. Tako prijetno in enostavno … enostavno. V večini primerov. Kdaj drugič pa pač prav nasprotno sovražim kavč v dnevni sobi, ki ni moj, sovražim napihljivo posteljo, za katero si želim, da ne bi bila moja, in sovražim prazno rolo vece papirja, ki že teden dni posmehljivo bulji vame iz kopalnice. Dobro jutro! Morda obisk knjižnice na fakulteti, kjer že leta nisem več študent in kjer danes izvršim hladnokrvno načrtovano krajo vece papirja, ni najbolj plemenit razlog za odhod od doma, je pa zadosten.

Ni treba daleč, ampak odhod je ključen za preizkušnjo človeške vzdržljivosti, ki je za tiste, ki bodo vselej sami stali na branikih novih začetkov, nujna. Enostavno je biti sam, skrit pred svetom v toplem zavetju pod plastmi prešitih odej iz babičine dote. Biti sam, obkrožen z milijoni in milijoni drugih osamljeno tavajočih, še bolj izgubljenih in še dlje od smerokazov, ki jih sam iščeš, pa je umetnost. Je umetnost spoznanja. Včasih bolj, včasih manj ključnega spoznanja. Nikoli v življenju namreč nisem bolje razumel uporabnosti bideja kot takrat, ko mi je zmanjkalo denarja za vece papir. Nikoli pa tudi dragocenosti samote nisem razumel bolje kot po nekaj letih življenja v večmilijonskem velemestu. In nikoli prej mi ni morebitni povratek nazaj v topli objem doma predstavljal tako ogromnega življenjskega strahu.

Strah me je priročnosti življenja v majhnem mestu. Strah me je razumevajočih prijateljev in ljubeznive družine. Strah me je poceni piva in mamine nedeljske kuhe. Strah me je, da mi bo vse to vse prekmalu spet postalo preveč udobno. Da se bom navadil. Razvadil. Da bom pozabil, kako biti sam in kako mukoma sem se naučil te dragocene veščine. Strah me je brezskrbnosti. Strah me je, da bom pozabil na sam strah, strah, ki šele rojeva neustrašnost in pogum za kakršenkoli začetek in iskanje ravnotežja. Strah me je. Kakšen privilegij!
Los Angeles, 20. julij 2016

Napisal: Martin Horvat, scenarist

Martin Horvat. Foto Herman Askew

Martin Horvat. Foto: Herman Askew

 

 

INDIGO:  Festival sodobnih idej, Ljubljana, 7. — 10. 9. 2016

 

 

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