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8 septembra, 2019

Agata Tomažič: Med tiri in cesto

Tako kot vsaka ženska rabi svojo sobo, si mora vsak(a) meščan(ka) v svojem mestu najti kotiček, ki je samo zanj(o). Kotiček, ki je hkrati skrivališče in premišljevalnica, in kamor se včasih napotiš kar tako, da se srečaš s samim sabo iz tistega obdobja, ko si se nazadnje mudil tam.

Ampak mesta so seveda zelo nenaklonjena temu, da bi komurkoli hranila kotiček samo zanj. Množica ljudi, ki v mestih živi, gomazi vsepovsod in se razleze kot olje, ki se ti razlije po kuhinjskih tleh – do vseh nebodijitreba špranj seže in potem se ga ne da več odstraniti.

Zato je treba biti vztrajen in imeti odprte oči. Premišljevalnice je često najti tam, kjer na prvo misel vrvež nikdar ne potihne in kamor se nadležni pogledi zabadajo nepretrgoma. Zvedavih oči, žirafje stegnjenih vratov in bebavega blebetanja – tega v svojem kotičku nočemo, mar ne? Na drugi pogled se potem izkaže, da na tisto območje le redko zanese koga, in to je dober znak: prostor, ki ga iščemo, nas mora navdajati z mislijo, da smo edini svoje vrste na svetu. Ali vsaj daleč naokrog. Prostor, ki ga iščemo, mora biti dovolj prostran, pravzaprav skorajda neskončen, za vse težave, preglavice in žalosti, ki jih prinesemo sabo, jih tam razprostremo, malo pogladimo ali celo zloščimo – v upanju, da jih bomo potem za vedno pustili tam. Včasih se tja zatečemo z namenom, da bi sprejeli pomembno, daljnosežno odločitev. Vsaj takrat se nam zdi takšna, čez leta se bomo mrzličnosti premlevanja možnih razvojev dogodkov pod a) ali pod b) zgolj pritajeno hehetali. Prostor, v katerega se moramo včasih zateči na vrat na nos, saj nas življenje nenadejano postavlja pred usodne odločitve ali celo pred zid, mora biti pri roki ves čas.

V takih trenutkih, kadar po možganskih vijugah misli švigajo v prazno, iskanje odgovorov na bivanjska vprašanja pa spominja na vrtenje kolesa v hrčkovi kletki, se zatečem na zaplato zelenja med tiri in cesto. Vsem na očeh je; z ene strani območje prečesavajo pogledi potnikov z vlaka, z druge tja včasih zablodi pogled sovoznika ali voznika po cesti, ki velja za nekakšen mini obroč, sklenjen okoli ožjega centra mesta. Ampak tako eni kot drugi hitro odbrzijo naprej, ponavadi še preden bi utegnili dojeti, kaj so videli. Šviiissst, in že so mimo. Koga briga nekaj klopic pod drevesi na robu središča mesta, kjer posedajo ljudje sumljivega videza ali vsaj čemernega izraza na obrazu?

Edini pogled, ki ga v svojem kotičku dopuščam in malikujem, prihaja izpod bronastih obrvi. Rihard Jakopič v eni roki drži slikarsko paleto, z drugo se čoha po bradi. Je moj stari znanec, blagohotno je bedel nad mano in mojimi muhami, že ko sem malce stran drgnila klopi osnovne šole, poimenovane po njem, in cefrala živce učiteljem. Le da je bil njegov spomenik tam malce manjši, tu pa je mogočen in plečat. Vliva zaupanje. Samo ujeti je treba njegovo misel in jasno bo, kaj storiti. Kako in s katerimi besedami zaključiti zgodbo, kot bi se lahko reklo. Kajti življenje je sestavljeno iz zgodb in na koncu šteje samo to, kako dobre so za pripovedovanje.

V mojem kotičku so tudi drevesa. Hvalevreden zastor, ki ščiti pred soncem, so. In podstavek za ptice, ki neutrudno pojejo. To je vedno najzanesljivejši znak, da (še) ni konec sveta. Zadaj brzijo mimo avtomobili, po tirih prihrumi vlak. Kaj sta tvoja žalost, tvoj dvom, ki se tebi sicer zdita velika in pomembna, v primerjavi s kubiki razsutega tovora v  vagonu? Ali celo v primerjavi z usodo že davno umrlega sorodnika, ki so ga morebiti prav v takem vagonu peljali v taborišče? Včasih je dovolj že, če se stvari postavi v pravo perspektivo. Slikarji to dobro vedo. Rihard pomežikne in dvignem se s klopice ter namenim proti reki Stiks, pardon, železniškim tirom. Spustim se v podhod pod progo in hop, spet sem v svetu živih.

Piše: Agata Tomažič

Riše: Milanka Fabjančič

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